What we say
Have you ever said something to someone that you wish you
had not said? Or, has someone ever said
something to you that hurt you to your core?
Many of us have said things that we wish we had not said knowing that in
the end our words were hurtful to those we care about. If there are things we say that are hurtful
why do we say them in the first place?
Many times we say things that hurt others because we hurt inside ourselves.
Things that get said
It goes something like this:
someone says something rude to you or about you, someone wrongly accuses
you of doing something, or someone says something that puts you on the
defensive. You are angry, you respond
without thinking and with the intention of protecting your feelings. You respond in anger justifying your own
feelings and disregarding the offender’s.
When you do this you create an emotional connection to the person that
hurt you which keeps your feelings of hurt alive in your mind. Over time your mind continues to replay what
was said driving you to become not a very nice person.
Feelings – yours or mine
Why does it seem like there are those who spend so much more
time saying hurtful words than kind words?
Is it that they really hurt inside, or is it that most of us don’t understand
how to communicate our feelings? As
individuals, as different as we may seem, we are still all wired emotionally
pretty much the same – we all experience the four basic feelings: anger, pain,
pleasure and hurt. It’s how we
communicate those feelings that separate us.
For example; when someone says something hurtful to you, do
you tell them they hurt you? Or, that
you are feeling hurt? Many will respond
with “you hurt me when you said that…”
The problem with this is you disown responsibility for your feelings
when you use the word “you”. In order to
be able to do something about the way you feel you must own the feeling which
you do by using the word “I”. “I hurt”
rather than “You hurt me” enables you to take responsibility for your
feelings. When you respond with “I hurt
when you say those things to me”, you own and validate your feelings. Responding in this manner does not blame the
other person for the way you feel rather it provides feedback to the other
person about how you feel as a result of what they said. If you don’t own your feelings you cannot do
anything about them.
How we respond
Of course responding like this can be very difficult
especially if you are not comfortable with expressing your feelings. It may even be counter to your belief system
that is telling you that feelings are better left unacknowledged. Ask yourself how you feel when something
hurtful is said to you. Then state how
you feel when those things are said “I hurt when you say things like that to
me.”
What we say can hurt the ones we care about. The next time you want to strike with words
to get even or gain a one up think about what the consequences could be. In Deepak Chopra’s book, Ageless Mind, Timeless Body, he states that almost all negative
feelings such as anger and resentment begin with the emotion of “hurt”. He goes on to say that if “hurt” is not
resolved or released it is internalized eventually resulting in some other emotion. Considering this, it would be easy to suggest
that if you fail to let someone know that their harsh words hurt you,
eventually you will do the same thing.
Don’t hurt the ones you love and care about with your
words. Once they are spoken you can
never get them back.
“A torn jacket is soon mended, but hard words will bruise
the heart of a child.” - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t
hurt them.” Dalai Lama
1 comment:
I can relate to this because I have been hurt many times by things people say to me especially when my loved ones make me feel hurt with words.
Maybe I had better speak up more when these things happen.
I never hold a grudge and eventually I forgive the person who hurt me because I believe in forgiveness.
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