Thoughts on Memorial Day

"Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism."
George Washington

Since last Memorial Day much has changed for me.  Shortly after Memorial Day a few years back my dad passed.  He now spends his time at rest at a National Veteran’s Cemetery in Bushnell Florida.  His message on love remains strong in me. I cannot think of a greater example of unconditional love than giving your life in service to your country.  Today is Memorial Day, the day we set aside to remember all those who gave their lives in service to defend freedom.  In our country, we do a great job at building memorials.  When visiting Washington DC, my family and I always make it a point to visit The Vietnam Wall, the WWII Memorial, The Korean Memorial, The War Nurse Memorial and several others which are symbols of our nation’s desire to remember our fallen heroes.

At these hallowed places, we can see and even trace the names of those in uniform who gave their lives in defense of our country.  My cousin resides on panel E18 of the Vietnam Wall. 

Memorial Day is a special holiday.  It’s the single day we honor all those who died in service to our nation but whom we continue to remember and honor in our hearts. 

Instead of seeing stone monuments, or names on a granite wall, many of us see the faces of those who gave their all.

For many years, over the Memorial Day weekend I rode my Harley to Washington DC for Rolling Thunder. It’s an event that hundreds of thousands of military veterans participate in by riding their motorcycles to Washington DC over the Memorial Day weekend.  Several years ago, my best friend, now a retired Army Colonel, my wife and I road our bikes to DC for Rolling Thunder.  My friend had just gotten back from a series of difficult deployments.  He had secured vehicle passes for Arlington National Cemetery.  We road our motorcycles into the cemetery stopping along the way at many of the grave sites.  It was extremely humbling and in many ways, shook me to the bone.  The Rolling Thunder ride that sticks with me the most is the ride my son, my brother in law and I made right after my son returned from an Enduring Freedom deployment.  I remember standing there by our bikes – my brother-in-law a Vietnam Vet, myself a Cold War Vet and my son an Enduring Freedom Iraqi War vet.  We stood there, smoking our fat cigars that we had saved for this moment. It was hard not to think about how lucky each of us were, how proud I was to be standing there with them and how extremely proud I was of my son. Most of all, I was grateful that my son was there as a veteran of war and not a memory of war. 

There have been so many who have sacrificed their lives in the defense of our freedom.  When walking through the many war memorials you see the many young men who perished with their ships in Pearl Harbor.  You see the faces of Navy nurses who, through the many wars and conflicts, provided care amid the chaos.  You see the brave faces of those men and women who died in Vietnam and Korea, whose sacrifices went unrecognized for so many years because they were the face of unpopular conflicts.

On this day, I find myself thinking about the families and friends, people I know, and the ones we set aside this special day to celebrate their legacies.

It seems to me that for a long time, Memorial Day seemed like just another day off work.  For many its opening day of the community pool or the beginning of summer vacation.  Over the last several years there seems to be a collective shift in our thinking, a new awareness of the sacrifices our military members are making has hit home.  Once again Memorial Day is becoming an ingrained part of the American experience.  Maybe it’s the lessons learned from the Vietnam conflict, maybe it’s the shared experience of seeing our young men and women fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan or maybe it’s even the many movies and reality TV shows that shed new light on the real sacrifices our service members make.  Or, maybe it’s people like myself who have served after the Vietnam war but are old enough to remember the friends and family lost in that conflict.

Whatever the reasons are, something has changed about the way Americans now think about their heroes. That shift transcends politics, cultural differences and religion.  President Kennedy once said, “A nation reveals itself not only by the men it produces but also by the men it honors, the men it remembers.”  A key component of our nation’s greatness lies in our ability to honor, appreciate, and cherish all those who died to ensure our freedom.

Memorial Day, is our day to say thank you to those generations who have foot the bill; to those who have paid so dearly with their lives.  When you gather today with family and friends think about how you can extend the same reverence you feel today throughout the rest of the year.  Think about how to instill the tradition of this special day in the generations to come?  How do we ensure that Memorial Day continues with the profound reverence it deserves?

The following are three things you can do to ensure Memorial Day continues from generation to generation.

·         First, play a part in teaching others about the sacrifices made so our freedoms and liberties endure.  Help future generations understand that service to our country is among the most noble of endeavors.

·         Second, find ways to ensure the legacies of our heroes endure.  Our heroes are worth more than a 20-second sound-bite on the evening news.  Their history deserves telling and re-telling.

·         Third, continue to gather together to pay homage to our fallen heroes on this special day. 

If you treat Memorial Day as a special day of reverence others will.

Memorial Day is the day we set aside to honor those military members who are gone but will never be forgotten. As a veteran, I have assumed the unspoken duty to remind my friends, family, neighbors, children, and fellow veterans about the actions of our fallen heroes and the sacrifices they have made.  Memorial Day is the day we celebrate the lives and legacies of those we have lost, those we will never forget and those who will always be revered.

You can listen to the audio version of this post at Jeff Heiser Radio Podcast 100.

RESILIENCE: The Fifth Trait Of Mental Toughness

"Only those who dare to fail greatly, can ever achieve greatly."
Robert F. Kennedy

How quick are you to give up? Are you willing to give up or give in when the going gets tough?  Your resilience is your unwillingness to give up.  Myself and many of my military friends have a saying; never give in, never give up, never surrender.  The thing about this saying is even after years since getting out of the military it remains relevant in my life.  It’s something I continue to live by.  

Many of the challenges most of us face in life are not life or death situations even though they might seem so at the time. However, many of the situations are very difficult at best and many can be life changing with profound effects on who we are. Having the ability to take on and face these challenges, bounce back from setbacks or failures and continue to move towards your goals has everything to do with your resilience or persistence to succeed.

Those who are successful in life and accomplish challenging goals are those who are willing to keep pushing forward through the heartache, hardships, pain, and self-doubt until they succeed.  They are simply willing to never give in, never give up and never surrender.

There is a special forces instructor that tells a story about candidates reporting to special forces training.  Before a required forced march with full gear, candidates would often tell him that they were triathlon competitors, marathon runners, have black belts in martial arts and that they would finish at the front of the group.  When the candidates were done predicting where they would finish the instructor would simply say, “That’s impressive.  We’ll have to find out if you can do it when your socks are wet.”

After looking at thirty years of who made it through the program and who didn’t the instructor had found that 50% of the candidates dropped out after the forced march that included an overnight march through wetlands where the candidate’s socks got wet.

In other words, it doesn't matter what your prior experiences are, your achievements, your physical conditioning or your level of endurance rather, what matters is your willingness to persist, your level of resilience, your ability to bounce back after setbacks like wet socks.

In my life, I have learned that most people stop working at the first sign of fatigue or challenge. They simply quit.  However, an unusual thing happens when they decide to keep pushing forward even when they are totally spent out.  The fatigue that was so debilitating seems to disappear, they get a second, third and fourth wind allowing them to continue.  Individuals who are resilient find they have stockpiles of energy they can call on when they demand it. The ability to call on this energy to continue is where many of us fall short. 

Only a very few ever make serious demands of themselves. We see this in business, in sports, in education, in relationships and just about everywhere we look. A great many of us miss succeeding at the greater accomplishments we can achieve because we give up too soon. We sit down, we give in, we give up, we surrender at the first signs of anything hard or challenging.

Resilience is the glue that binds motivation, confidence, focus, and composure together providing you undeniable mental toughness. If you are unwilling to bounce back after a setback, it doesn't matter how developed your other mental toughness traits are, you fail. Vince Lombardi said it best when he said, “It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up.”

Resilience is the trait that enables some people to be knocked down and come back even stronger.  Instead of letting setbacks and failures overcome them and take their resolve, resilient people find a way to get back up. Here are four keys to building strong resilience in your life:

• Have a positive attitude - a positive attitude gets you half way to the finish.  A negative attitude kills your start.
• Be optimistic – see the glass as half full instead of half empty.
• Control your emotions – when you respond or react to difficult challenges with emotions you never win. You will fail to think your response through when you leave it to your emotions.
•  See failures and setbacks - as a form of helpful feedback rather than defeat.

Even after the most significant of misfortunes, resilient people can change course and continue moving towards achieving what they set out to achieve.

You can listen to the audio version of this post at Jeff Heiser Radio Podcast 99.

COMPOSURE: The Fourth Trait Of Mental Toughness

"The man who masters himself is free."
Epictetus

When the going gets tough do you get going?  They say, when the going gets tough the tough get going.  Are you tough?  Your composure is your ability to remain calm and in control when the going gets tough.  Your composure in difficult situations many times is what will be what matters in whether you win or lose.  Composure can be defined as your ability to stay in control of yourself in a manner that allows you to continue to perform at optimum levels, regardless of the situation.  

As we grow and learn through our experiences we learn how to respond in certain situations.  It works like this.  Your brain and mind are two separate things. The body obeys the brain and the brain obeys the mind.  As a result, there are certain emotions and reactions your brain automatically produces in response to certain situations.  Knowing how all this works and what responses will occur during certain situations gives you an advantage.  This advantage enables you to deal with expected responses by overriding your brain’s response allowing you to control your actions.

Composure enables you to have clarity of your thoughts and the ability to maintain your focus during difficult situations. It promotes sound decision making when it counts most.  Your brain will tell you that you are too cold, too hot, too tired, too weak, too wet, too old or you just don’t have what it takes. Individuals who listen to these messages coming from their brain are the ones who lose their composure, their focus, eventually give up and in the end quit. However, those who can maintain their composure are just the opposite; they maintain their focus, they continue with the task at hand and do their very best to succeed. By remaining composed, they can dig deep within themselves to find the strength they need to finish.

Over the years, there have been many times my brain has told me I just couldn't go on but my mind told me to continue, don't stop. At some point, we all experience situations in which our brain tells us we just can’t go on. In those situations, we must ensure our mind remains in control providing us with the composure that allows us to continue until we have overcome whatever the challenge is.

When we can train our mind in a way that allows us to remain composed, regardless of the situation, we ensure our ability to maintain our self-control.  To a large degree, our ability to succeed depends on a mind that is conditioned to deal with difficult or tough situations in a composed, self-controlled, manner. The important thing to remember is that if you can stay composed, you can better recognize situations that trigger your brain’s response mechanisms and psychological responses that directly impact your ability to perform.  When you know this, you are better prepared to deal with challenging situations. 

There are many examples of how composure has defined past leaders, great athletes and scholars.  Lincoln is a good example.  During his most trying hours he remained patient, poised and maintained his self-control which history shows made all the difference.

If you fail to maintain your composure, you are not only likely to injure others, but it’s certain you will injure yourself. The easiest way to remain composed in difficult situations is to remember the three keys to composure:

Control your Thoughts

Control your Temper

Control your Tongue

When you control these, you win without regret.

Composure is the fourth key in developing your mental toughness.  In next week's blog, I'll be discussing resilience the fifth and final trait you need to develop your mental toughness. 

You can listen to the audio version of this post at Jeff Heiser Radio Podcast 98.

FOCUS: The Third Trait of Mental Toughness

“Always focus on the front windshield and not the review mirror.” 
― Colin Powell

Growing up I was often told to keep my eye on the prize.  I heard it from my parents, my scoutmaster, coaches, while in the military and in business.  But, it wasn't until much later in my life did I really understand how important this simple phrase was to my success.  As I matured and began to pay closer attention to successful people I realized that successful people maintain an unrelenting focus on what matters in life regardless of the distractions going on around them.  I learned that they focused on their successes rather than their failures.  I learned that successful people are keenly focused on the next steps needed to realize their goals rather than wasting time on the many distractions life throws at them. Successful people have an ability to consistently be proactive in their pursuit of success regardless of life’s distractions.

On a scale of 1 to 10 where do you rank your ability to stay focused? Focus is your ability to stay homed in on what’s important while blocking out everything else. Focus is necessary if you want to develop mental toughness that enables you to achieve your goals.  It is a trait that is important if you want to stay on track when undertaking any challenge. 

When developing your mental toughness remember that a great deal of it comes down to your ability to establish effective personal habits such as focus. One way to improve your ability to focus is by setting your sights on achieving small victories. When I made the decision to lose weight I didn't start out by deciding I was going lose 68 pounds in 6 months. I just set my focus on losing a pound or two a day.  I didn't set out vowing I would eat right for the next 6 months, rather I set my target to eat right and exercise one day at a time.  By doing this, I could focus on losing a pound or two one day at a time.  I didn't let myself get distracted by what seemed an impossible task over an impossible amount of time.  I figured at the end of the first day that if I could focus on doing what I needed to do that day I could do it again the next day.  I created new eating habits and I was motivated at beating myself each day, day by day.  If you can do it the first day, you can do the second day, and the third day and so on.

A coach that I coached with once asked me “How do you eat an elephant?”  At the time, I told him I had no idea.  He laughed and told me, “you eat an elephant one bite at a time!” In other words, to succeed all we really needed to do to win was to focus on the task at hand, nothing else, and over time we would succeed.  I cannot tell you how many times this simple question proved its worth to me.  To win those small victories establish a daily schedule for yourself where you take specific actions in a measurable way. Once you develop your routine, stick to it so you can begin winning small victories every day. When you focus on your behavior, the results will follow. 

Here’s an easy way to remember what you need to stay focused:

F is for Find – identify what you need to improve on to be successful.

O is for Organize – organize an action plan that helps you improve upon what you identified as needing improvement to achieve success.

C is for Collect – you need to research and collect the data you need to move forward with your action plan.

U is for Understanding – you need to understand all the variables and potential risks involved in making your improvements.

S is for Start – you need to execute your action plan as you have laid it out.  The only way you focus is to start.

Focus is another key in developing your mental toughness.  In my next blog, I will discuss composure and why it is another important trait you need when developing your mental toughness.  You can listen to the audio version of this post at Jeff Heiser Radio Podcast 97.

CONFIDENCE: The Second Trait of Mental Toughness

"Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation."

On a scale of 1 to 10 where do you score your confidence? The hardest thing for many is understanding what confidence is and how it plays a vital role in developing mental toughness. Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines confidence as:

1.  “A feeling or consciousness of one’s powers or of reliance on one’s circumstances,


2.  “faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way,” and…


3.  “the quality or state of being certain.”

I define confidence as my personal belief that I have what it takes to overcome any obstacles that get in my way as I go after my goals. I may win and I may lose but the important thing to remember is that I have the confidence to at least try.

What I have learned about confidence is that when you have a high level of confidence you are able to bounce back from setbacks, mistakes, and poor performance much quicker than those with low confidence levels.

Highly successful people normally have a high level of confidence in their ability to win but, aren’t born this way. I like to say they’ve earned it and others say they've learned it. They gain their confidence through repeatedly putting themselves in the game, taking the risks and learning from their failures. Overtime, knowing that you have been down a similar road before, studying and learning from those past experiences can be a great confidence builder in whatever you do – business deals, sports, relationships, education and in just about any endeavor you can think of.

The thing about confidence is that it is an essential quality if you want to succeed in building mental toughness. I believe it is one of the most critical traits, not only in developing mental toughness but is essential when setting high goals and persevering to achieve them.

Another thing I have learned about confidence is that the saying “birds of a feather flock together” is true.  Whether it was in business, coaching sports or during my time in the military, confident people tended to associate both personally and professionally with others that have the same high levels of confidence. I have also learned that, “you become who you associate with.” I have observed individuals with low levels of confidence assigned to teams having highly confident team members transformed into confident individuals.

Your confidence shines through in the way you carry yourself which most times is the determining factor in whether you win or lose. When you confidently demonstrate self-control over your emotions, your actions and the situation, others take notice. They recognize you as a leader that they are willing to trust and follow.

Individuals with low confidence complain about everything. They will typically show off to get attention and recognition. Many times, they will turn to destructive habits such as drug or alcohol abuse. They constantly seek praise or approval. The biggest and most damaging trait of those with low confidence is self-pity which guarantees defeat in whatever the situation. Once you let thoughts of quitting into your mind, you are halfway to failing. When you feel sorry for yourself, you begin the process of destroying your confidence and guaranteeing your own downfall.

Your confidence is the result of your life experiences and actions. Your confidence can be increased but, it takes work. The good thing is it can be changed in months, even weeks. There is no guarantee you will be able to improve your confidence, everyone is different. There is no set formula but, if you work hard at the following three things you might be surprised:

1. Set personal and professional goals. Everyone needs a starting point and a target. Most importantly you simply need to decide it’s time to get started on whatever it is.


2. Prepare yourself. Once you know what your starting point and target are you need to chart your course. What’s it going to take? I have found that finding out what it takes to achieve the goal is a confidence builder in itself.


3. Visualize your success. Your success depends on your ability to visualize yourself succeeding. If you can’t you fail but, if you can then anything is possible.

You can directly change your level of confidence, all you need to do is believe it.


Click Here to listen to the Podcast.

MOTIVATION: The First Trait of Mental Toughness

"Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me."
Carol Burnett

Over the years, I have heard so many say, “Well what’s your motivation?” “What motivates you to do what you do?” “Aren't you motivated?” “Where’s your motivation?” “You lack motivation.” We have all heard it time and again. Many of us have asked those questions of someone and I am quite sure a great many of you have been asked about your own motivations.

Recently, I saw a young lady on a talk show saying motivation doesn't exist. That it is something just made up. That no one can motivate you to do anything, not even yourself. Well obviously, this young lady has never been challenged in a way that she was faced with a life or death situation. Believe me, when you are placed in a dangerous situation you are motivated to survive. I believe you can look at it in two ways – you motivate yourself to get yourself out of whatever the situation is or the situation itself that presents the threat can be seen as the motivation you need to either stay to fight or run to safety.

For many people that I have spoken with, their motivation has been the idea of a successful outcome, a win. I like to say, “WINNING”! Motivation is what keeps you moving towards the prize, the achievement, the success you seek. Something I have used as far back as I can remember is visualizing myself reaching that prize, that goal, that success I wanted so badly. That visualized desire will keep you focused on what it takes to get you there.

Another thing I have used is the following saying, “You can’t beat me or this can’t beat me.” When my children played youth sports, high school varsity sports, and college sports they would say things like “I don't know pops this is hard.” I would always tell them “yep, it is but you can't be beat.” When my youngest played college football his saying was “You can't beat me.” On the field, he would say that to opposing players. It was his motivation to win. You cannot beat me. I will out work you. I will out play you. I will out study you. But, what this short saying did was to focus each one of them on what mattered most, staying focused or motivated on the prize.

Ask yourself, “Why do I want this so badly?” “Why is it important to achieve this goal?” When thinking of these two questions and the saying “you can’t beat me”, it becomes rather easy to see how this all works together. Why do I want to so badly? I don't like to be beat. Why is it important to achieve this goal? I don't like to be beat. When you can figure out the answers to these questions you will understand your motivation and desires. When you understand your motivations and desires it becomes much easier to clearly define your objectives, what it is you want and why.

Recently, I read the most recent blog post on the Mile12Concept.com blog site titled, What Is Mile 12 Concept. I suggest you take a few minutes to read it yourself. The writer, who is also my youngest son, explains how in many ways motivation is really nothing more than an idea or vision. He talks about how in the middle of the night soaking wet, cold to the bone, halfway through a 24-hour race he questions his reasons for being there. What his why is. Why it was important to do what he was doing at that moment in time on the race course climbing a mountain in the pitch-black dead of night, soaking wet, and cold to the very core of his being. It was at that point, he realized what his true motivation was but you will have to read it to find out.

I see motivation as one of the top traits needed for mental toughness. In my next blog, I will talk about confidence and why it is another important trait in developing mental toughness.

 You can listen to the Podcast at  Jeff Heiser Radio Podcast 95.

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Kindness

"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see." -Mark Twain

Recently, I watched one of the Sunday news morning shows which reported on a story about an act of kindness which I think many of us would have never thought of doing.  The story was about a Starbucks barista who took it upon herself to learn American Sign Language.  This might seem like it’s not that special an act of kindness or that important until you understand why she did it.  You see, there was a regular customer who came in for coffee every day that is deaf.  Each time he came in to order it was an ordeal and most times a hassle. Then one morning he came in and the barista gave him a note that said “I am learning ASL – American Sign Language so I can help you better.”  It not only helped them both, it changed the customer’s life.  During the story, he said through an interpreter that no one had ever done something so kind for him, let alone someone working at a business.  He said she made him feel like all the rest of the customers, which made him feel like he fit in.  This simple act of kindness meant a great deal to him. 

After watching the story, it got me to thinking about what the word kindness means.  What does it mean to be kinds in a world that seems to have lost its kindness?  The Australian Kindness Movement describes kindness as “a spontaneous act or gesture of goodwill towards someone or something, our fellow humans, the animal kingdom, and the kingdom of nature.”  When you carry out an act of kindness it is a message from one heart to another.  It’s an act of love where you are making an unspoken “I CARE” statement.  Just like in the Starbucks barista story – what made the story so special was the actions by the barista was truly an unspoken statement of “I CARE”.

The thing is, many of us don’t realize that we are giving and receiving many acts of kindness every day.  When we give a smile, greet people, help others whether they are friends or not are all acts of kindness.  An act of kindness can be as simple as a smile when someone needs to see one or a compliment when one is needed or a positive outlook when the going is tough or by doing something for someone just like the Starbucks barista did.

What if we all decided to do a daily act of kindness, what a difference we all could make.  Our daily acts of kindness can change society; we could change the world.  Our acts of kindness could stop the downward spiral of our society that is fueled by selfishness, materialism and greed.  Doing daily acts of kindness can enhance the feelings of belonging by those in the community who feel like they don’t belong.  Daily acts of kindness can bring about a greater sense of meaning and purpose to everyone not just the select few. 

In its simplest form, kindness means you are nice and considerate to others.  That you don’t need to have a reason for being kind that it’s just something you do simply because it’s the right way to treat others.  When I think back on times when I thought I was being kind and doing what was good or right I ask myself, “Good or Right by WHOM?”  By me, by others, by society?  I believe kindness starts at home.  It’s all about being true to your own feelings and values and expressing those feelings with other people.  If you are not acting in a way that is kind to yourself, how will you be able to act kind towards others?

Lending someone money you know will be used to support their drug problem, alcohol problem or to rack up more debt is not kindness.  Telling them you’re not going to lend them the money but will do everything reasonable to support them on their journey is.  Kindness isn’t about heaping holier-than-thou judgement on someone in whatever their situation.  Kindness is finding the compassion and understanding for where they’re at in their life while maintaining your own boundaries and respecting your own needs.  Kindness is accepting where others are and not trying to change them to be more like what you think they should be.

Kindness can be difficult.  It can mean watching people slide into a dark place and then face the consequences of their actions.  True kindness can be tough and there will be times where it will leave us feeling less kind.  What acts of kindness have you done lately?  If you haven’t, why haven’t you?  How important is being kind to you?  All important questions to consider.

Mark twain said “Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”  Kindness is the universal language that is understood beyond boundaries.  We all understand and can speak this language.  Who have you helped make feel better, what have you done to make a more positive place, when was the last time you used the universal language of kindness?

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How Guilt and Resentment Can Fuel Your Anger

"A man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green."
Francis Bacon

If you have been concerned about whether or not you have an issue with anger, the first step is to try to trace your triggers that are setting off such a strong emotional response.

One of the most common mistakes we make when assessing our anger issues is to feel as if external things are making us angry, when in fact anger is an internal process. Anger is usually a sign that something in your life needs to be worked on to get back in balance. It is often an indication that other emotions are at play, such as guilt and resentment.

Guilt

Guilt usually results from a sense of having done something wrong, or falling short of someone else’s expectations. It could be something minor such as showing up late for a date or forgetting to buy a birthday gift. These situations can also lead to resentment - someone is expecting something from you and you hate feeling like you’ve let them down.

Parents can often make children feel guilty by not meeting their expectations, which can be spoken or unspoken but implied. This can trigger resentment as well, especially if you feel as though you are jumping through hoops to satisfy the other person but what you do is still never good enough.

Resentment

No one likes to feel as if they are a failure. But the more pressure you put on yourself, the more stress you will feel. Most of us rarely perform our best when we are constantly under stress, overworked and not getting enough sleep. We might start to feel guilty that we are working so hard we neglect our family, but might feel trapped and resentful because we don’t know what else to do to make ends.

We might also resent our partner or even our kids if we feel they are taking us for granted or putting their own needs ahead of ours by constantly demanding things of us. The most obvious example is the person who works hard all week and wants to have a little bit of "me time" at the weekend, only to be presented with a to-do list.

If they don’t do the items on the list and they are asked when they are likely to get done, this can be interpreted as "nagging" by the person who feels guilty about letting the other person down. The "nagging" can lead to resentment. This in turn can lead to arguments, which will often blow up over small things, and be out of all proportion to what the issue might be.

Secrets and Lies

One of the most common reasons for divorce has been cited as money problems. Many people equate their worth as human beings with the job they do or how much money they earn. They don’t like to admit to their partner that they might be having money issues or might not be earning as much as the other person thinks. Some people will even keep their disastrous financial past a secret - until it is too late. The couple eagerly applies for a mortgage to buy their dream home, only to get rejected due to one or both of them having a murky financial past.

The blame game never works; it just fuels more anger and resentment. One of the best ways to deal with anger is to cut the roots that allow it to grow. This means living more authentically and honestly, connecting with your feelings, both positive and negative, without trying to run away from them or suppress them. Once you start to do this, you will definitely notice a difference in your level of anger.

External Things That Can Cause Anger

"Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame." Benjamin Franklin

It is all too common to blame external things such as work, stress, having to pay the bills, and so on, as causing anger in our lives. The truth is that it is not anything external that is triggering your anger; it is caused by internal processes.

If work or bills provoked anger in everyone, we would all be furious most of the time. However, if we look around, we can see that is not the case. Many people are working and paying their bills without being gripped by anger.

Therefore, it is important to identify what triggers an angry feeling within you so you can do your best to stop the anger before it takes hold. In this way you can avoid acting out in an inappropriate way, which can only lead to even more problems.

Know Your Triggers

Our anger can often be triggered by certain aspects of our lives. Here are a few examples you might recognize.

People

* Boss
* Mother-in-law
* Romantic partner
* One of your (problem) children

Places

* The office
* At home
* The supermarket
* The bank

Things

* Your car, because it is always breaking down
* Your computer, because it is too slow
* Your lawn, because it always needs to be mown and your spouse is always nagging about it

Events

* Holidays with the family
* Business meetings
* Phone calls with your difficult parent(s)
* Paying your bills every month

And so on.

Once you have identified your anger triggers, you can adopt strategies to curb your anger before it causes you to fly off the handle.

Understanding the Source of Your Anger

If you hate paying bills, for example, you are probably experiencing stress for a number of obvious, and perhaps less obvious reasons. The obvious one is that you are off track with your budget and are really struggling to make ends meet. Every bill coming through the door is a stressful experience that makes you feel trapped and helpless.

If you procrastinate about paying the bills, you might get a short-term feeling of relief; however, this can backfire in a number of ways, leaving you even worse off than before.

For example, paying the bills late can lead to fines or fees, harming your already difficult finances even more. It can also lead to bank overdraft fees as well if you do not keep track of the money in your account carefully.

Emotions Other Than Anger

There are other emotional aspects involved in paying the bills that might be less obvious but no less powerful triggers. For example, you might be infuriated by the fact that you are working so hard at a job that you might not even like and still can’t make ends meet. If you have been careless with money in the past, you might be angry at yourself.

If your family seem irresponsible with money in your opinion, this can cause resentment. You might feel guilty that you can’t provide for them as well as you wish. This in turn might make you feel like a failure every time you sit down to pay the bills. This underlying feeling or negative mental chatter can trigger your anger, rather than the bill itself.

If you’ve been seeing the sources of your anger as external to yourself, remember that nothing and no one "makes you feel" anger or any other emotion. Anger just arises like other emotions. It is up to you if you choose to let it get the upper hand, or brush it aside as you get on with paying your bills in a calm manner.

Different Ways to Express Anger

Anger is just one letter short of danger.

Everyone feels anger at some point in their lives. It is the way that they express it that can cause problems. If you feel that your level of anger has increased and it is starting to affect your closest relationships negatively, it’s time to consider anger management strategies that can help you express your anger in more productive ways.

Taking Time

The first way is the age-old technique of counting to ten, or twenty - that is, forcing yourself to pause for a length of time before doing or saying anything you might regret. Then you can explain why you feel angry.

Another technique is the time out. You can say, “I’m sorry, I feel angry so I need a few minutes before I can deal with this.” Then go somewhere to be alone until you feel that your anger won’t be as out of control.

Shake It Off

Another way to work off your underlying anger is through exercise or sports. Some busy executives love to get out their aggression on a racquetball court, but even a simple walk around the block can help. Yoga and tai chi will center and ground you, helping reduce stress so you are much less prone to fly off the handle.

Taking a break at lunch and small ones throughout the day may seem counter-productive, but you can actually get more done as you lower your stress and increase your concentration levels.

Own Your Feelings

Another very important strategy is to own the anger. No one is “making you feel” angry. It is a natural emotion that arises in all of us. However, it is your choice as to whether or not you will allow it to take control, or just ignore whatever has irritated you as not worth making a big deal out of.

Expressing Anger Effectively

Anger management also means learning how to express yourself in a healthy way. This can be quite difficult to do for many of us, because a lot of the time we try not to make waves and therefore avoid conflict. The truth is that you are really not avoiding anything, because the feelings can build up like a pressure cooker to such an extent that you explode and splatter everywhere, doing all sorts of damage and leaving you to mop up the mess.

There are a couple of ways to express your anger effectively. The first is to not say, “I am angry because,” but rather, “I feel angry now because.” The latter statement distances you from the emotion and also makes you realize it is only temporary - a new feeling can arise a split-second later.

The second strategy is to express yourself with “I” phrases only, not “You”. “You made me feel angry,” is not taking responsibility for and control of own your feelings.

A third strategy is to avoid absolutes. “You ALWAYS” and “You NEVER” are two good examples of this.

Manage Expectations

One other key strategy is to manage expectations and understanding. For example, your anger might stem from you expecting one thing to happen and another does. Or you thought you and your boss or spouse had agreed to X and they have done Y or expect Y. Remembering that there are two sides to every story can help you rein in your anger and control it, instead of it controlling you.

Anger management is not about never feeling angry. It is about learning how to express that anger in a way that will not damage or destroy relationships. Try these ways of expressing your anger differently and see what a difference it can make to your life.

Why Do I Feel Like A Human Doormat?

"Your job gives you authority.  Your behavior earns you respect."  - Irwin Federman

Ever feel like a human doormat? Here’s an even more painful question: Are you inviting people to walk all over you?

Most people would say, "Of course not! Don’t be ridiculous!" In fact, it might be exactly what you are doing without even realizing it.

Are You a People Pleaser?

We all like to be popular, but it can come at a price if we turn ourselves into a "people pleaser" who does everything to make others happy but seldom gets the same treatment in return. Women in particular are taught to be people pleasers. They are told from a very young age to act "ladylike" and that being assertive means being a b*tch (B), which means of course that no one will like you.  

Nowadays, there are actually books on how to be a B, which one author defines as “Being In Total Control of Herself.” This is a nice image of a confident woman who does not let anyone push her buttons. Other titles are why men date and marry Bs and how to be a leader in business without being a B.  

There are several male equivalents of being a B, but they don’t seem to bother men in the least. In fact, we are sure they coined the phrase, "Nice guys finish last."  Switch that to nice girls and you can see why you might be getting the short end of the stick at work, and in particular at home.  

Do You Have Trouble Asking for Help?

There is nothing worse than feeling taken for granted. We want to do everything we can to be a good spouse, good parent, good son or daughter, and so on. Where does all this goodness get us? A pretty good life if we are lucky, or an endless cycle of demands for more from everyone you are trying so hard to please. 

If you feel as though there are never enough hours in the day and your partner and kids are doing nothing but draining you dry, it’s time to tap into your authentic inner self to start building the life of your dreams.

It will mean working on some changes, but you will be surprised at how little things can make a big difference. The first one is to stop suffering in silence. Ask for help nicely. "Can you please help me with this?" might be tough to say when have been in the role of superperson for so long, but you might be surprised at the results. 

Have You Learned How to Say No, and Mean It?

Saying no is one of the hardest things people pleasers have to learn. Practice in front of a mirror as often as you need to until you sound and look convincing. Make eye contact and say, "No, I can’t." You can add a sorry if you really think you need it. Never give a reason, however, because that leaves the door open for them to try to talk you into doing it after all. 

Do You Need to Set Boundaries?

Saying no is setting a boundary. So too is making time for yourself to do things you enjoy. It can also be that you are not expected to sacrifice your career for the sake of the family, but that your work outside the home is recognized as being of value. Setting expectations such as chores, curfew, computer time permission and more will all show the children who is in charge, and will ease the feeling that you are always fighting an uphill battle.

Practice these simple techniques and see what a difference it can make in your life.

Why Am I Being Passed Over For Promotions?

" Many of us spend half our time wishing for things we could have if we didn't spend half our time wishing."
Alexander Woollcott

Most of us like to feel appreciated in our jobs and proud of our careers. But sometimes we hit a wall or a glass ceiling, and it seems as if nothing we do can change the situation - except suffer in silence, or go to another company.

The new job might seem like the best option, but it can also be a great deal more work. You will need to prove yourself all over again. You will also need to navigate successfully through a whole new set of relationships.

Are You Being Sabotaged by Others?

It is possible that others are sabotaging you because they want to get promoted themselves. Or your manager might want to keep you exactly where you are because you make the department so much more productive. They might see putting you in a managerial role as less important than you continuing to crank out projects at the speed of light.

Are You Sabotaging Yourself?

But there might be some things about yourself that are worth taking a look at and trying to change if you are showing any of them at work. In a recent survey of human resource managers, here were their top reasons for not wishing to promote a person:

* A negative or pessimistic attitude versus a can-do attitude
* Frequent lateness
* Using foul language
* Often leaving work early
* Taking too many sick days
* Gossiping around the office
* Spending office time on social media sites
* Not cleaning up after themselves but expecting others to do it
* Constantly talking about non-work topics in the office, such as sports
* Taking too many personal phone calls at work
* Taking too many or too long breaks
* Taking too many smoking breaks

If you know you are guilty of any of the items on this list, now is the time to nip these habits in the bud.

Are You Too Much of a People Pleaser?

But do not make the mistake of swinging to the other end of the spectrum and becoming a "people pleaser," otherwise known as a "yes man." This will not gain you any respect either, except possibly from a manager who thinks even their most half-baked idea is a stroke of genius.

It is possible to be positive and upbeat while also telling the truth and giving valuable feedback as needed. You might need to work on your confidence and perhaps even assertiveness so you are not so shy in meetings, but will speak up and have something worth paying attention to.

Are You Too Arrogant?

We've all heard the phrase, "There's no such thing as a stupid question." Yet many of us roll our eyes in disbelief at the "dumb" questions they think they hear at meetings, conferences and so on. Some of these questions will of course be the person opening their mouth trying to impress others with what they know. They might even totally disagree with the speaker and try to hijack the meeting. Needless to say, this is rude and very unprofessional.

However, most questions that are asked out loud in a public situation are asked because the person genuinely does not know the answer and wants to find out. Therefore, be respectful of all contributions no matter how trivial, in the same way that you would wish your questions to be treated.

Be approachable to all staff and they will soon ask you for help, which will put you on the radar as a person with leadership potential who is worth promoting.

Improve Your Relationships

"Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher." 
Oprah Winfrey

We Are All Guilty

We ALL do it. We are so busy and pressured to get everything done that we dash off an email without reading it through, checking the spelling, and so on. Or we make a comment, or what we think is a joke, in an email or on one of the social networks - only to find at the end of our plane flight that our boss has fired us. The young lady who made a racist tweet discovered to her cost that anything you say can and WILL be repeated or passed around online.

In this article, we will discuss some of the major trouble spots in online and offline communication, and how a few simple changes can lead to big results.

Email Relationships

One of the main issues with email is the lack of "tone" of voice that you would get from speaking to someone in person or on the phone. Email lacks the human touch. If you are working in a cubicle-based office where the people on your team are sitting right next to you but you always email, it might be time to get a bit chattier with them in the real world.

If what you need to discuss is something important that includes other people, by all means use email. Or, speak to them and then confirm via email what you understood to be the most important points and action steps.

Before hitting the SEND button, take the time to check over your email to be sure you are as clear as possible and that it is error-free. A good rule of thumb in any corporate communication is to never send an email you would be embarrassed to see posted online.

This is especially true of customer service replies. Customers are the lifeblood of most businesses. Unskillful replies can and do filter to the top of social networks all the time, perhaps tarnishing your reputation or that of your company forever.
One CEO made the mistake of emailing one employee he trusted that he would be offline for a couple of days to deal with some personal problems. When he returned, it was to his worst nightmare. Some of his "trusted employees" had stolen valuable assets, and a larger company was going after him in a hostile takeover bid.

Social Media Strategies 

In terms of social media and online discussions, only contribute the bare minimum and never venture any personal information that might be used against you in some way.

If you feel you have something really helpful to say to others, join in. But don't use the network as a soapbox to spout your own views. Every post or tweet should be about your customers, not you.

If you want to advance your career as an expert in your industry, don't try to prove it by boasting about your skills and accomplishments. Your expertise will speak for itself when you give intelligent response to a person's most pressing problems.

Finally, never "flame" anyone on a social network or discussion board, and do not respond in kind if you are. That would lower you to their level. The best thing is to ignore it. If you feel you can’t ignore the flame, simply say that everyone has their own perceptions. Remember, our relationships are as much about what we do as what we don’t do. Be courteous and polite to others and see what a difference it can make to all your business and online relationships.

How to Deal with People Who Sabotage You

"Sometimes life is going to hit you in the head with a brick.  Don't lose faith." ~ Steve Jobs

It is the start of a new year and time for the resolutions for change to be made.  It is great to want to improve yourself in order to improve your relationships, but you might discover that you meet with resistance at every turn from people in your life. What should you do if you discover someone you care about is sabotaging you and putting obstacles in the way of you working towards a better self?

Deliberate or Unconscious

First, you need to determine if the sabotage is deliberate or unconscious on their part. They might just be a control freak, true, but they might not even realize what they are doing. For example, women often think that their romantic partners would love it if they slimmed down, or that their mother would be proud that they were getting healthier.

Instead, they are told, “You look fine just the way you are,” or “Go on, have a little. It’s your favorite.” This can be through habit, or it could be because the person sabotaging you is afraid of change. If you change for the better, what will happen to the relationship?

What if you drop 50 pounds and get down to a healthy weight, will you suddenly become so sexy that you will have a lot of other options apart from the person you are with? Or if your mother is a competitive kind of person, she might hate the thought of competing with her own daughter to be the center of attention.

No one is saying that these thoughts are logical, or even conscious. What we are saying is that if you feel anyone is holding you back from being your best self, it is time to make some smart decisions so you can make the changes that will improve your relationship with yourself first, and by extension with others.

Shun Those Who Sabotage You

This does not mean you have to give up the relationship completely. But while you are working to change yourself for the better, surround people who will be supportive of your efforts. Join an online support group, for instance. Get a workout partner. Tell your friends you want to avoid gaining weight at the holidays, and see if you can all come up with tasty low calorie or low carb recipes you can share.

Set Boundaries

Sticking with our weight loss example, it can be almost impossible to lose weight if the people you are living with have habits that will damage your chances of succeeding in making the changes you wish to. For instance, they might be buying fast food or snacks all the time and putting the food in front of you to eat.

In this case, set your boundaries the best ways you know how. Tell them not to eat it in front of you. Or, take that huge can of peanuts, look at the suggested serving size, and then use a kitchen scale and some plastic bags to divide it up into snack packs.

Be More Assertive

We’ve probably all encountered this situation: someone takes all the credit for the work we’ve done. There are a number of ways of handling this without seeming like a crybaby. You could casually offer all the supporting documentation that you used to draw up the report to whomever the thief was trying to impress. You could also ask them if they wanted your help explaining any of the details behind it. From these helpful offers, everyone will soon see who is the high-performing team player and who the sneak.

Being sabotaged in any relationship can be an unpleasant experience. But, it doesn’t have to be the end of the relationship if you set your boundaries and assert your right to live on your own terms, with your own goals and boundaries.